is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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