if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
BRING THE BAGELS
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
