i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
