Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
