I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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