Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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