I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
