Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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