Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She's the barista slut.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
