He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
