I just threw up on my dentist
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
