I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
