Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
