Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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