textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
