I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
