My liver just broke up with me...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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