hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he shaved USA in his pubs
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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