She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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