I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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