I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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