can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
