I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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