If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
