dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
