the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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