I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
