I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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