happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
