It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
