I hate all girls vehemently.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
