So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
