What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
