I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
