Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
