I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
