I want you more than these girls want KFC
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
