i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
