So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
