It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i would one night stand the shit outta him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
