he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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