the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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