I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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