he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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