not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
