dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
