Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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