what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
