Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
