just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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